Noticing how whenever I meet someone new, there’s new repeat questions. Like I feel like, when I was growing up, all I had to say was ‘I was born in India and moved here when I was nine.’
But now, I’m asked ‘Oh so you grew up in the city?’ and I have to be like, no, I meant the states like America, we actually moved to New Jersey.
‘So when did you move to New York?’
...Moon was looking fabulous last night, and fabulous right now as it’s rising above the house across my street. :~)
I really liked this book. The writing was slow but easy to read. The subject matter felt magnetic, like I kept wanting to keep reading.
The book is about a woman named Miri and her wife, Leah, who went on a submarine trip to the deepest part of the ocean and came back wrong. It follows both womens’ POVs, with Miri’s serving as a way to talk about their relationship, while Leah’s was about the experience of being down there in the ocean and the psychological state of her crew members.
...Right now each entry’s markdown file is appended with the title I give as an argument for my make entry command.
$(shell printf "%q" "$(TITLE)")
But when there’s spaces or punctuation, the backward slash fucks up the file name. It too so long to figure out how I can replace the spaces with a _
$(shell echo $(TITLE) | tr ' ' '_')
at long last !!!
It’s okay to eat a few grain mites that are plaguing my flightless fruit fly cultures because I need to feed my mantis and my cat before I go downtown to see Moving (1993). It’s okay 👍👍👍
I’ve spent less than 5 minutes back on SoundCloud and I feel like music is worth listening to and discovering again.
I’ve been saying that I’ve been in a “music slump” for almost over a year now. I thought of various things that might help me out:
But none of those really worked. Live shows because I haven’t gone to one since the pandemic started and am still a bit too worried about crowds. Also because the kinds of music and musicians I want to see live have dwindled down so much, I don’t even know who I’d love to see that much anyway. (I am going to see Chinese Football in October after Annie told me they’re playing, but even this I’m mostly interested in getting a look at their merch lol)
...We need more lifeguards, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swam exactly 5 pathetic laps in the Astoria pool before they closed lap swim and moved everyone to general swim because there weren’t enough lifeguards. The rec center I signed up for, thinking they had lap swim open at 7am, actually starts their hours at 11am. Fuck this baka life !!!
Fuck this stupid ass piece of shit garbage holiday. Fuck having to have it off and listen to fireworks go off for days leading up to this evening. Fuck the fireworks that are going off right now.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I’m just playing a Sim of myself at parties and social gatherings. I literally love being alive. I feel so much enjoyment in the creative things I do, I love seeing the bees in the sunflowers that my neighbors plant in the plot of soil on the sidewalk in front of their house every single summer. And I’m still paying thousands and thousands of dollars for this fuck ass country to bomb and kill the shit out of people abroad and also right here in this city.
...These Fragile Graces, This Fugitive Heart by Izzy Wasserstein
Okay, honestly one of the boringest books I’ve made myself finish in a long time. But as soon I got to the part where Dora was gonna fuck her clone Theo, I was back in. And then calling him her twin? Okay go off..
Still predictable ending and I couldn’t really care for the characters much. Maybe because it’s a novella so it’s short? Or maybe I because I found myself cringing at the queer future in this world. Anyway, glad it’s over!
...I’m trying to figure out how to sustain the feeder insects I feed to Dark Magician. I still only have flightless fruit flies (Drosophilia hydei) but the culture gets so gross so fast :( I looked up how to reuse the cups and kill the flies in a really old cup and found this really endearing poster responding to someone who was kind of a dick about killing the flies (“I kill flies in many ways, they’re just flies” blah blah)
...Every time I see the sunset on my roof or a moon on a clear night, I’m like yippieeeeee
I used to feel like rainy days were only nice for being cozy and indoors, but now I love seeing all the worms and damp grass smell, even if they’re on the sidewalks, even if it’s the moss growing on a cobblestone
I saw the most beautiful girl today. Like, it made me kind of understand the Trojan War, that kind of beautiful. Like if she got kidnapped by an opposing nation, I would no doubt go to war just to make sure she’s back home safe. If we didn’t have internet and I can only think of women I’ve ever seen in real life, and I saw this girl today, I would be like, okay this is it, this is the most beautiful a person could be that I could also witness. But I’m also not being crazy right now, I won’t say that she’s necessarily for everyone, but it’s like… something about her makes me want to write poems and also do 20 push ups. So grateful I get to feel like this :")
...The last time I had alcohol was mid-August at the US Open. There’s been a bottle of Corona in the back of my fridge for over a year. A remnant from when I would cook dinner in the summer with the window open and the radio on and have an ice cold beer with a lime in it to keep me company.
Wait I lied so hard, I drank a lot in CDMX. HAHAHAH that was really fun. It also felt appropriate. “I don’t really know you people and this social lubricant will help all of us have fun.”
...True cause of WWI
Internationalism in the time of Lenin. See that there are major changes in Russia.
For example, women wanted bread so they started the February Revolution.
What do we want: peace, land, and bread. Lenin’s Bolshevik’s slogan.
After Bolshevik revolution, all imperialists went to Russia to invade. 21 different armies. Lenin said there can be no socialist movement unless it’s global.
every successive revolution is a culmination of past revolutions
...I feel focused, energized, motivated, and like I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing right now. I think getting laid off last summer has changed my brain more rapidly and in greater magnitude than I can really fully appreciate. I mean, mainly, it’s radicalized me on a personal level.
Going to protests as an undergrad felt very fringe-participatory, like, oh I’ll go or I won’t, I don’t really know what’s going on but also no one does and also we have a computer animation final coming up that I’m going to absolutely bomb.
...Made perugu out of store bought dahi from Trade Fair two days ago and it set. Mixed it with warm rice tonight. Heated up some olive oil in a small small saucepan and added sliced garlic, one green chili, mustard seeds, cumin seeds, one red dried chili and then poured it over the curd rice. Added avakaya pachadi. Only thing missing was the curry leaves :(
No because every single fucking time a girl gets her heart broken in the pods and all the other girls are like ‘Oh shit it’s time’ and they start dog piling the heartbroken girl with hugs and tissues and glass of water and declarations of her divinity.
Forgiving myself (taking a nap at 4pm) for telling lies (“I’m getting bored of unemployment, I wanna work again”).
Making yogurt again.
I made some on Tuesday afternoon but then I forgot to put it in the fridge on Wednesday morning and then I ended up sleeping over at Fiona’s and went to work directly on Thursday morning and I was like FUCK my stinky yogurt, I got home Thursday evening and it was gnarly.
The first time I made it I think I was like 7 years old and I read about it in school I think and I also made Maggi soup and made Granny try both lmao
...Saw a live worm on the wet sidewalk last Monday. It was still drizzling a bit and this dude was moving so slowly. Last time I saw a live worm was when I was sitting on a bench in Central Park on a sunny summer afternoon, and a worm was flailing about next to some bread crumbs surrounded by pigeons. It was crazy to watch, like, how did it even end up there ?
...Spent an hour cleaning and moisturizing my leather jacket last night.
I remember the days leading up to buying it. We started off Italy with Milan where we barely had 36 hours, but next was Venice where Erin got her leather jacket from this one spot in this labyrinth of stores we were walking around in. It looked so cool and I wanted one too but I figured I’d wait until we had more time.
...Listening to the WNYC show Open To Debate and the current question is: Will the future be abundant?
And the two absolute doofuses they have on right now is an AI “Optimist” freak who believes that technology is a democratizing and resources are infinite, and another freak whose sense of geopolitical influence is stuck at The Cold War and nothing earlier or current.
Huh !!! Listening to long form insanity and stupidity with full earnestness. We are so addicted to solving problems with an answer that introduces an entirely new breed of problems. I ?
...Today I learned about the power of the staystitch and saw 3 shooting stars while lying down on my roof. :~)
I feel crazy.
I went to the Aritzia in SoHo today because they had a few of the slouch wool coats I’ve been looking at and it was absolutely brimming, packed, with girlies of all kinds. I went all the way there and pretty much immediately turned back. Part of it was just feeling overwhelmed by the crowd, and a part of it was simply not wanting to looking like every other bitch in there.
...Okay I had this whole thought I’ve been re-writing over and over about how I can no longer just feel disgust, or second-hand embarrassment, or like I’m being judgy but there’s a chain of awareness that those feelings come from my own insecurities and lack of empathy or curiosity in that moment followed by some guilt/shame, then a lighthearted acceptance that my brain is changing.
But also I just realized that I still have absolutely no tolerance for people who are like ‘I like girls, but I’m just so intimidated by them.’ So! One day I’ll be chill about that but for now, all I can think is cowards! That screenshot from SATC that’s like ‘Sweetheart, that’s all well and nice, but if you’re not going to eat pussy, then you’re not a dyke.’
...I woke up Sunday morning a mix between feeling annoyed that I had so much to do that day and excited to see people and be outside.
On my way to get coffee with Kelly C. at Lately Cafe, I saw parts of the NYC Marathon, Court St lined off with pink tape for runners and participants. Talking to Kelly, I felt like my cup was filling. I shared some of the things that feel so scary to me right now and she shared her fears. A lot of them are the same ones. And for the ones that are not the same, I felt less alone and helpless. Sitting in the courtyard behind the cafe, hearing the whoops and claps for the runners out on the street, drinking my americano, feeling grateful.
...L foot circumference: 20.8cm R foot circumference: 21.5cm
Okay yeah looks like my left foot shrunk haha no ! okay? I just make sure whatever my benchmark is this time is consistent for both feet so the difference between them is significant. And it’s not looking that significant. :(
It hurts less to walk around and stretch my toe though. I recently read about the POLICE protocol vs the RICE protocol.
...L foot circumference: 21.9cm R foot circumference: 22.5cm
I figured now is a good a time as any to see how long it will take my right turf toe ass injury to at least chillllllllllllllll
It’s crazy how people give you right of way immediately when you’re using crutches or a cane. The back of my right armpit hurts from the crutch, I didn’t realize that would happen.
I sleep so much now during the day, just little afternoon cat naps with my foot elevated on my three pillows and a plastic sandwich bag full of re-melted ice cubes leaning against it. Lots of fun dreams though.
...I can’t stop thinking about this book.
I loved the balls to the wall body horror. The hundreds of little teeth in Erin’s tongue, the insane way that this disease spreads, the increasingly dreaded feeling that nothing you or anyone does will change anything. I loved reading about Erin and Betty, their insane toxic yuri ass relationship. Even toward the end when they were transformed and having crazy angel sex through Mareva’s eyes, I felt endeared.
...I finally found my first (two!) geocaches this past weekend! I went with Kelly who has like 84 under her belt (and also the premium app membership) so I was in good company. It scratched such a specific itch I didn’t even realize I had had since I was a kid. Of like, there’s so many hidden spaces and pockets of unknown out in the wild and now even in the city. And people are actually aware of that and are using it to hide lil caches. I was here! X ! Free real estate !
...I am absolutely addicted to how the women react in this show to other women walking outta their pods sobbing their eyes out. Like, immediately 1-3 women surrounding the one crying, then hugs, then gripping each other’s arms, then wiping each other’s tears and then like 5 minutes of empowering pep talk. Like a man caused this??? I refuse to believe it.
I woke up at 5am after the kind of fitful sleep you get, like, right before the first day of school. I fed Puppycat, packed what was remaining and took an Uber to JFK. Straightforward stuff at the airport. Straightforward stuff on the flight. Though, I did watch Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves and it had me giggling. My ass also started hurting around hour 3 so I was glad to land soon. I realized I had been kind of nervous the whole time up until I got in the Uber to the hostel because as soon as we got on the road I was like ‘Oh this is like Hyderabad’ and felt immediately more relaxed.
...I love watching people’s pace of walking on the street. Some of them, like, they are so fast. Especially when I know it’s people who are shorter than me, gliding, so fast on the sidewalk… where are you going…?
I have been wanting to add color to some of my random daily sketches and saw that a lot of urban sketchers use watercolors. I busted out my old Windsor & Newton tiny set from college when I took Drawing I and my French professor insisted that we buy a good quality set. It immediately warped my current tiny sketchbook paper, it was wayyy too thin. I hated using watercolor paper though because it was always in a thick book and I felt weird using an entire 9"x12" sheet just to mess around. I looked up watercolor sketchbooks and though they were cool looking and had the sizes I wanted, they were all, like, over $50???
...Feeling very much like a chicken with its head cut off going all ‘What’s important? What matters? What matters the most? Right now?’
Life is continuing, continuing.
Genevieve is helping me declutter my space and making my apartment feel more like a home I inhabit. I don’t know how much longer I have to live here though. Angel and Vyczie might move out by this fall which I’m bummed about. They’re so fun and lively to have around.
Ekemini and I lost the doubles tournament against these two tall older white ladies. We both learned a lot from it, I think, but we were both also kinda disappointed.
...This summer is one of those periods where in the future, I’d be like, Ohhh I shoulda just enjoyed myself and have fun, I shouldn’t have stressed out so much about things when I didn’t need to, I should have gone to the beach more and spent more time in the sun, and slept well and eaten great, except like, I’m actually doing it now. Or feeling so very conscious of trying to. And it’s fascinating what seems to come up in response to this effort, against this effort.
...being very humbled by this 0 to 1 mile program. why is swimming so hard but also a lil… 👀 addicting. in a terrible way. i feel awful when i swim, but also after a while, i feel like i should apply to be a lifeguard in a european coastal town. so much of it is about rhythm and breath
you can also say that about tennis, basketball, maybe volleyball. i have not played a challenging tennis match in weeks. it’s making me long to have my butt kicked just so i feel something.
...i am not only in my feelings, but have a sick, symbiotic relationship with them, they are inside me, and i inside them and it has been so long and it feels so unfamiliar but also a little bit like a homecoming
how come the well (my brain) is still so poisoned (convinced that external ideas of a good time in direct opposition to my own are what we need to think about all the time every day 24/7)
good news is that i know that a multi-day romp of moodiness is what people commonly refer to as pms
bad news is that my body still wants to treat every threatening emotion as if it were life threatening and plan for the apocalypse
something something, i wonder if i should be making more art and enjoying it, i’m desperate for it, tbh. even when i thought about this earlier, i thought about it like ‘i wonder if i should make more art instead of consuming it’ and by ‘it’ i mean ‘content’ not ‘art’.
aside from the very real reactionary opinions of those who have been writing or making art for a long time especially amdist this insane cultural and economic swing, something feels missing. like of course, someone worked real hard to learn color theory and spent countless hours practicing hand eye brain coordination to draw or render the perfect piece and it’s disheartening to see something like that created in under minutes all while ripping off and discrediting the works it derives from.
...season 3 episode 9, he offers to strip her floors. HE OFFERS TO STRIP HER WOODEN FLOOR BOARDS !!!
The Shadow of Kyoshi by F.C. Yee
I finished listening to the audiobook of The Shadow of Kyoshi by F.C. Yee today. I was kind of bored by the premise of Kyoshi having to make peace between fire nation clans and all that but I did enjoy her finally getting to meet Kuruk. I think what blew me away and is prompting me to even review this like this is the final battle with Yun. Yun basically tells Kyoshi that he could kill all the people who looked up to him as the avatar and talks about how avatarhood is a curse. And in that moment, I was like, right on Yun, it kind of is. Especially for his story since the possibility of him being the avatar gave him a better life and he did prove himself with his earth bending and prowess as a tactician and dipolomat. So for Kyoshi to get this “pride” out of nowhere for being the avatar felt sooooo out of place. It just got straight up corny from there. I mean, I’m reading a book from the A;TLA universe, I should expect this but I was also a bit disappointed. I hated that Kyoshi said sorry to Yun and then immediately docked him. The power of friendship and a badass group like the Opera Company joining her last minute I– brah
...TENNIS !!! AAHAHHHHHHNGKSDGJKSAGSKDAGNSLDKGJA;SLDKFJA;SDLKNVKIADSHGLSIDVSKADJFLSADKMLCKNSLKASDKJLAKCDKFJASDLKJGADSKV;LASDKFL;SDAKGJL;ASKDJF
>:)
my knees hurt ! i haven’t lifted in what feels like over a month, but i know my quads are begging for attention to help cushion all that impact
i have nona the ninth and i read I Hear the Sunspot and I Hear the Sunspot: Theory of Happiness, but i mistakenly got I Hear the Sunspot: Limit vol 3, thinking that it was the third in the whole overall series, but no it’s the third in the Limit series which is its own thing. it’s cute so far !
...as always this a bout of health related issues makes me reevaluate my entire lifestyle. and something so mundane as acid reflux making me feel real actual life-or-death fear (it’s kinda like when you’re on el toro in six flags great adventure but over the course of a few days). anyway, i am chewing my food very thoroughly now, and it’s changing everything
♡ someone was wearing baccarat rouge 540 in front of me during the opening keynote at my work conference, so i listened to how Company wants to maximize profit and lower cost to the fragrant notes of saffron, amber, and cedar
♡ in Moonstruck (1987) starring cher and nic cage, loretta (cher’s character) is sending off johnny cammareri to sicily at jfk, and there’s this old witchy looking woman who’s like “I put a curse on that plane!” because her sister slept with her man and she’s on that plane, and she’s going on for a while in this scene, and after all that, loretta (cher’s character), without a beat, says “I don’t believe in curses” and the woman, after, let’s say, a quarter of a beat, says “Ehe, neither do I.” and they both go back to minding their own business. that was such a rose (olympia dukakis’ character, loretta’s mom) move because they both know themselves. anyway, i would love some of that
...there is a strand of long white hair in my copy of nose dive: a filed guide to the world’s smells by harold mcgee from the queens public library. it’s spread across the first chapter, right after the preface.
finding it hard to take my own advice. if i asked myself for help, i would have all the words and insight and perspective and yet none of those things can grab my face and squish it so i grit my teeth and steel myself and push my body through it, not around, but through
...ultimately, there’s probably a law out there somewhere about lesbians and exes and the cesspool that is each metropolitan city that has a community. i mean, i know there’s tons of jokes, but c’mon i’m asking for numbers and accuracy here
WOE IS ME !!!!!!!!!!!!
:'(
at least i have puppycat, at least the folks downstairs are gonna bring me tea since i ran out, at least i know the tried and true ways to feel better whenever i get sick anyway, though i did just eat a half packet of flaming hot cheetos, all my phlegm is clear, and i’m on my 6th bob’s burger episode
i’m so mature, i’m so mature
my Mirror dvd copy is many days overdue, i have Bound and On The Beach at Night Alone copies are waiting for me. i still haven’t read the 3 volumes of Blue Period that i borrowed either.
but you know what i have read? Under Grand Hotel, baby B~)
anyway. pass the yaoi cocaine !!!
now tell me why i’m worried that mastodon is gonna get yucked up just like how twitter has been for ages now
objectively, it’s a baseless fear and a big part of my dissatisfaction with twitter how i was engaging with it. like, fandom twitter has been absolutely great and same twitters for specific interests. i think it started feeling absolutely yucked up when it became an ego thing or a comedian thing. when i was catching myself thinking shit like ‘oh that’d be a great tweet’ or being linked to twitter threads when asking people how they were doing lately. truly the most cursed time, not a single thing of actual value being said both online and in real life. also when it became like so precious to tweet a normal thing. like saving random nothings in drafts and posting strategically or being overly cautious about crafting the perfect tweet because you couldn’t edit it and the delivery wouldn’t land if there was a typo. like, huh !!! and i would see this come out from within me in the real world and also by people around me and it became soooooooooooooooooooo boring. bowwing :3
...i don’t think it’ll ever get more predictable, i feel like there will be more random days in december with 70deg weather, i feel like the hurricane names are gonna start sounding like the 5th grade roster in the fall, i think spring will feel wetter and more elusive, and babygirl, i think summer is going to become depressing and disorienting in ways we couldn’t previously imagine
the hopes and dreams and ~ intentions ~ i have for each upcoming season are beginning to feel stale. or hollow, like i’m just saying to say or thinking to think.
...i absolutely cannot believe that aidan RE-DID CARRIE’S WOOD FLOORS and she cheated on him HER WOOD FLOORS !!!
collective, joyous, unfiltered laughter??? in my apartment??? more likely than you think !!!
what a gift it is to have the perfectly sized plate for what i want to eat, the perfectly sized bowl for a little yogurt and fruit i want to snack on, the perfectly sized and shaped wooden spoon to dig into a bowl of hot rice with fresh scallions that will catch the running egg yolk perfectly for each bite, the same tea but in a different mug like yes that’s the drink-something-warm-all-day-doesn’t-matter-if-it’s-diluted-hot-water-at-this-point mug vs. this-is-just-for-show-just-vibes-if-you-will mug, a gift !!!
...i brought back a pencil case from my old childhood closet and i found all the mechanical pencils from over ten years ago with which i used to take standardized tests, pass exams, write notes, letters, and homework due, draw so much anime, and lend borrow, lend borrow, lend again borrow again
one more fucking app to download just to access my health records or to get an email from a doctor who’s just like ‘k see you soon’ but i gotta jump over ten thousand fire hoops like truly just kys this shit is evil !!!
the sun is very much not up when i wake up now, but !!! i could see venus toward the south peeking above the two story family houses, orion directly above (being sure to not step on shit while i crane my neck up) with aldebaran being all orange and bright right beside it
eventually the temperatures will drop and the dew point will continue to get lower and lower and i will wear thermals under my sweatpants and waterproof shoes and my big winter jacket but i’ll also probably see even more stars and constellations and various phases of the moon
...kinda treating bugs like how immature parents treat their kids all like ‘i’m physically repulsed by you and fear you and to an extent, am fascinated by you, and i will force exposure between us again and again until i get used to you’
ok let’s talk about it – i’ve seen a total of 3 centipedes in my apartment so far. the first two were kinda jumpscares (for all parties involved probably) and i did sleep in the living room that night (because that was going to do something about my heart beating so fast and a generally stressful week).
the third and most recent was tonight, not even 5 minutes ago after i came home from dropping dinner off for a friend. (btw, i did citibike back, and it was less than 10 mins but i once again was on a NON WORKING electric bike and those mfs are harder to pedal when they don’t work than regular bikes !!! anyway.) i went to feed puppycat and saw in the pothos plant next to the sink (because i had watered it in there earlier this afternoon) a house centipede just chilling.
...every once in a while i’ll think about that tumblr post that’s like if your parents make 100k+ i don’t wanna see your art
went to hit by the bball courts a few days ago and saw this lil guy by the metal fence where i set my backpack down
my immediate reaction was to get it to pop over on my index finger but i was like ok wait, lemme check who you are first. i uploaded the second pic to iNaturalist and started hitting the wall1.
i got an ID, like, 43 minutes later and it turns out it’s a blue-eyed ensign wasp. like huh???
...here’s what happens on the best day ever:
i’m nearly half way through kokou no hito and i was inspired to read this manga because
when i went to south florida earlier this spring, i was waiting for a friend to come back from the restroom at a barnes and noble we ducked into on my last evening there. i was flipping through the few big coffee table type books that were showcased, thick, hardcover, glossy pages. i started with architecture ones but then saw one about a photographer who followed a few mountain climbers as they scaled up k2. it looked crazy, they were in these sling tent things that looked like hammocks (portaledge? hanging tents? vertical camping? –> quick google search). they were great photos. lots of pics of the three dudes in their bright colored (yellow, orange, blue?) coats and goggles and beanies. there were few captions but most of it was the photographer talking about how much of a beast the main climber was. i spent probably, like, not even 5 minutes looking through that photo book but it definitely stuck with me
...here’s how you make breakfast tomatoes:
ingredients:
instructions:
there you go, breakfast tomatoes.
...i’m still thinking about this unbelievable chicken
i will say, it’s tough as fuck, super lemon-y, and definitely cooked B~)
i just made the most unbelievable chicken
bro, this is the kind of cooked meat that belongs on a fried meme. it’s almost fully pale barely yellowish and golden from the light frying i did and mostly helped by the butter (shouts to butter)
forcing myself to do something i don’t want to while i’m so angry or sad is also delightfully funny because. like. what, is this raw chicken going to kill me ? because it feels so uughsdghghugghwwegu gross on my hands and fingers and ughghg i gotta cut around the fat and the veiny bits bc i hate hate hate when i bite into them ? is this raw chicken going to murder me ? or what, i forget to wash my hands and the ghost of meaty residuals on my one singular chef’s knife that i currently own is going to somehow give me salmonella ? like, ofc not dude, so i will begrudgingly cook this stupid meat in the worst way possible because i have to !!! no more games, i gotta eat bitch !
...puppycat loves to sleep on his litter mat (which is actually a bathmat i bought for $15 at target because it’s washable and effective as opposed to other litter mats which are actual garbage) and it bothers me so much bc yuck !! that’s where all your pee and poop particles are :( stop dorulu-ing in it ndngndkgndgn
but i get it tbh it’s the only comfy place in this room where i work and he wants to just hang out <3 stupid ass….MY stupid ass<3
...undid months of distance from garbage accounts that stressed me out, enabled unbecoming behavior, and generally were empty, hollow, pits of tired ass echos by logging into all of them and catching up at lightning speed within the span of 40 mins and took, like, 10000000 pts of psychic damage 😎😎😎
john coltrane’s lush life is playing on 89.9 fm (ok fine, wkcr) right now
my windows are open and it’s cooler today and also a lil breezy so the sheer curtains are billowing gently. these windows are east facing (mostly) so when the sun sets it feels like a surprise every time because it’s so quick
ugh, i still can’t believe i lost to my opponent today (both of us ~3.75 ntrp) >:( aside from the mental game jostling about, so many of the points i lost were because of double faults and other unforced errors. insane how tennis is a pretty easy barometer to check where i’m at both physically and mentally. but maybe that’s just any physical activity that requires some thinking but make it competitive.
...bro i am becoming so increasingly worried about playing this 4.5 lv player today that ln i had a dream that i was doing everything in my power to avoid this match which is insane bc, damn, am i really that afraid to lose? and also, damn, why am i so convinced that i’m going to lose in the first place???
anyway the dream also was about this rando girl from middle school who had a similar name to the 4.5 lv opponent. big O_o moment
...finished reading the left hand of darkness last night, and i’m inconsolable
