I feel crazy.

I went to the Aritzia in SoHo today because they had a few of the slouch wool coats I’ve been looking at and it was absolutely brimming, packed, with girlies of all kinds. I went all the way there and pretty much immediately turned back. Part of it was just feeling overwhelmed by the crowd, and a part of it was simply not wanting to looking like every other bitch in there.

Also part of it was the bizarre dissonance of being in a crowd and not chanting or screaming or yelling for a ceasefire.

I don’t even think I doomscroll for more than a dozen hours a week (which, incredibly enough, is on the lower end for me). Aside from exercising, I’m struggling to find a way to be in my body when I’m alone. I scroll (doom or not) because I feel lonely or bored. Seeing OP fanart, double tapping a Tumblr post with a bunch of links to free e-books I will likely never read, reading a YouTube video thumbnail and already making up my mind about the contents- they all make me feel less bored, yeah, but definitely not less lonely.

And I don’t think the kind of isolation or loneliness I’m feeling is something I need to fix. I think it’s more that I’ve become a stranger to spending time with myself again, and I’ve begun calling that loneliness. I mean, it makes sense. It’s easy to spend time in my brain and body when life is going well, when I’m not sitting with discomfort or pain. Now, every 5 minutes alone - without music, without reading, without scrolling, without planning, without reflecting - actually alone where all I am doing is breathing, it’s unbearable.

Ugh, but I knowwwwwwwww, the sweetness of taking a big, slow, steady inbreath, and the oddly humbling and funny feeling of a slow-as-I-can outbreath where my ribs are caving in. And then doing that all over again until I feel lightheaded and silly and properly oxygenated.

I don’t think it will make me feel better, not in the way I so desperately wish. And I am desperate, desperate enough to exhaust every podcast in my lineup when washing the dishes or doing the laundry, enough to bring my laptop to the bathroom while I brush my teeth because my headphones and phone are charging. But, I think, at least I will feel worse and bad and uncomfortable in a way that’s actually more mine. There’s so much clutter in my brain, I can feel it rattling around to the point of white noise.

I felt more normal after going to the library to print a buncha stuff. Also after I peed the pee I was holding in.

I hear a helicopter pretty much every evening now. I hope my toe holds up during the protest tomorrow. Next week, I hope to see many, many shooting stars when the Geminids peak.