I woke up Sunday morning a mix between feeling annoyed that I had so much to do that day and excited to see people and be outside.
On my way to get coffee with Kelly C. at Lately Cafe, I saw parts of the NYC Marathon, Court St lined off with pink tape for runners and participants. Talking to Kelly, I felt like my cup was filling. I shared some of the things that feel so scary to me right now and she shared her fears. A lot of them are the same ones. And for the ones that are not the same, I felt less alone and helpless. Sitting in the courtyard behind the cafe, hearing the whoops and claps for the runners out on the street, drinking my americano, feeling grateful.
Though I had both Sneha and Kelly F on FindMyFriends, I somehow missed both of them, the former because I could not find her among the throngs of athletes and the latter because my phone died.
I went home for the afternoon after finding one geocache with Kelly. I hit up Evan wondering if he would wanna get ice cream before Kelly F’s celebration in Brooklyn and he said yes! I was so happy! Ice cream! Before dinner! OOoooooooOOOo h ! I worked on figuring out how to watercolor figure drawings for a few hours and then headed off to Ample Hills.
It was so lovely to eat ice cream in the crisp fall night and chat with a friend who is taking an important next step in his life.
It made me think, I feel so grown up and it doesn’t feel scary. Seeing people - ones I met and grew alongside during some of my most formative years - get married, start families, move, and change jobs… it feels normal now. Or normal-er. I think this kind of change scared me (and still scares me to an extent) especially because most of these indicators of change are very material and visible (house, photos, literal child). And a lot of changes are internal too, ones that lead to those actions and decisions in the first place.
I used to feel so threatened when someone was not thinking about the things I was thinking about or moving in a direction that I was moving toward. Like, it meant something about me, like I was alone, or wrong, or missing something. I would waffle between feeling righteous and completely isolated. Now, I really think all of this is soooooooo normal and expected. The process of becoming myself is slow, and painful, and scary and I think probably this is true for everyone. I feel a lot more grateful to witness the process of my friends becoming more and more themselves now.
When I went to Washington Commons to congratulate Kelly F, I met their friend’s dog, a dachshund named Pickles. He is five months old and already contains multitudes. I watched him pee outside and took the train home, mentally patting myself on the back for eating the vegan ice cream flavor.