Okay I had this whole thought I’ve been re-writing over and over about how I can no longer just feel disgust, or second-hand embarrassment, or like I’m being judgy but there’s a chain of awareness that those feelings come from my own insecurities and lack of empathy or curiosity in that moment followed by some guilt/shame, then a lighthearted acceptance that my brain is changing.
But also I just realized that I still have absolutely no tolerance for people who are like ‘I like girls, but I’m just so intimidated by them.
... I woke up Sunday morning a mix between feeling annoyed that I had so much to do that day and excited to see people and be outside.
On my way to get coffee with Kelly C. at Lately Cafe, I saw parts of the NYC Marathon, Court St lined off with pink tape for runners and participants. Talking to Kelly, I felt like my cup was filling. I shared some of the things that feel so scary to me right now and she shared her fears.
... L foot circumference: 20.8cm R foot circumference: 21.5cm
Okay yeah looks like my left foot shrunk haha no ! okay? I just make sure whatever my benchmark is this time is consistent for both feet so the difference between them is significant. And it’s not looking that significant. :(
It hurts less to walk around and stretch my toe though. I recently read about the POLICE protocol vs the RICE protocol.
... L foot circumference: 21.9cm R foot circumference: 22.5cm
I figured now is a good a time as any to see how long it will take my right turf toe ass injury to at least chillllllllllllllll
It’s crazy how people give you right of way immediately when you’re using crutches or a cane. The back of my right armpit hurts from the crutch, I didn’t realize that would happen.
I sleep so much now during the day, just little afternoon cat naps with my foot elevated on my three pillows and a plastic sandwich bag full of re-melted ice cubes leaning against it.
... I can’t stop thinking about this book.
I loved the balls to the wall body horror. The hundreds of little teeth in Erin’s tongue, the insane way that this disease spreads, the increasingly dreaded feeling that nothing you or anyone does will change anything. I loved reading about Erin and Betty, their insane toxic yuri ass relationship. Even toward the end when they were transformed and having crazy angel sex through Mareva’s eyes, I felt endeared.
... I finally found my first (two!) geocaches this past weekend! I went with Kelly who has like 84 under her belt (and also the premium app membership) so I was in good company. It scratched such a specific itch I didn’t even realize I had had since I was a kid. Of like, there’s so many hidden spaces and pockets of unknown out in the wild and now even in the city.
... I am absolutely addicted to how the women react in this show to other women walking outta their pods sobbing their eyes out. Like, immediately 1-3 women surrounding the one crying, then hugs, then gripping each other’s arms, then wiping each other’s tears and then like 5 minutes of empowering pep talk. Like a man caused this??? I refuse to believe it. This was such a banger of a book. Day 1, Tuesday I woke up at 5am after the kind of fitful sleep you get, like, right before the first day of school. I fed Puppycat, packed what was remaining and took an Uber to JFK. Straightforward stuff at the airport. Straightforward stuff on the flight. Though, I did watch Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves and it had me giggling. My ass also started hurting around hour 3 so I was glad to land soon.
... I love watching people’s pace of walking on the street. Some of them, like, they are so fast. Especially when I know it’s people who are shorter than me, gliding, so fast on the sidewalk… where are you going…? I have been wanting to add color to some of my random daily sketches and saw that a lot of urban sketchers use watercolors. I busted out my old Windsor & Newton tiny set from college when I took Drawing I and my French professor insisted that we buy a good quality set. It immediately warped my current tiny sketchbook paper, it was wayyy too thin. I hated using watercolor paper though because it was always in a thick book and I felt weird using an entire 9"x12" sheet just to mess around.
... Feeling very much like a chicken with its head cut off going all ‘What’s important? What matters? What matters the most? Right now?’ Life is continuing, continuing.
Genevieve is helping me declutter my space and making my apartment feel more like a home I inhabit. I don’t know how much longer I have to live here though. Angel and Vyczie might move out by this fall which I’m bummed about. They’re so fun and lively to have around.
Ekemini and I lost the doubles tournament against these two tall older white ladies. We both learned a lot from it, I think, but we were both also kinda disappointed.
... This summer is one of those periods where in the future, I’d be like, Ohhh I shoulda just enjoyed myself and have fun, I shouldn’t have stressed out so much about things when I didn’t need to, I should have gone to the beach more and spent more time in the sun, and slept well and eaten great, except like, I’m actually doing it now. Or feeling so very conscious of trying to.
... eating my neighbor’s stew that has chicken drum sticks and yuca and eating the cartilage, chewy, skin-y bits and all, my nose now fully perfused with the meaty smell getting my mom to order at least one box of boneless buffalo wings from buffalo wild wings using my disposable gloves from when i cut my fingertip off and had to shower with the gauze dressing still on to squish and mix my butterflied chicken breasts with curd, chopped chipotle chilies, adobo sauce, onion powder, cumin and salt to marinate over night and sear on my cast iron and finish cooking in the oven being very humbled by this 0 to 1 mile program. why is swimming so hard but also a lil… 👀 addicting. in a terrible way. i feel awful when i swim, but also after a while, i feel like i should apply to be a lifeguard in a european coastal town. so much of it is about rhythm and breath
you can also say that about tennis, basketball, maybe volleyball. i have not played a challenging tennis match in weeks.
... i am not only in my feelings, but have a sick, symbiotic relationship with them, they are inside me, and i inside them and it has been so long and it feels so unfamiliar but also a little bit like a homecoming how come the well (my brain) is still so poisoned (convinced that external ideas of a good time in direct opposition to my own are what we need to think about all the time every day 24/7) good news is that i know that a multi-day romp of moodiness is what people commonly refer to as pms
bad news is that my body still wants to treat every threatening emotion as if it were life threatening and plan for the apocalypse sense of doom and urgency and peace and quiet all at once something something, i wonder if i should be making more art and enjoying it, i’m desperate for it, tbh. even when i thought about this earlier, i thought about it like ‘i wonder if i should make more art instead of consuming it’ and by ‘it’ i mean ‘content’ not ‘art’.
aside from the very real reactionary opinions of those who have been writing or making art for a long time especially amdist this insane cultural and economic swing, something feels missing.
... season 3 episode 9, he offers to strip her floors. HE OFFERS TO STRIP HER WOODEN FLOOR BOARDS !!! eating siggis skyr (blueberry flavor) with two metal chopsticks today I finished listening to the audiobook of The Shadow of Kyoshi by F.C. Yee today. I was kind of bored by the premise of Kyoshi having to make peace between fire nation clans and all that but I did enjoy her finally getting to meet Kuruk. I think what blew me away and is prompting me to even review this like this is the final battle with Yun. Yun basically tells Kyoshi that he could kill all the people who looked up to him as the avatar and talks about how avatarhood is a curse.
... i am soooooooooooooooooooo excited to draw ! TENNIS !!! AAHAHHHHHHNGKSDGJKSAGSKDAGNSLDKGJA;SLDKFJA;SDLKNVKIADSHGLSIDVSKADJFLSADKMLCKNSLKASDKJLAKCDKFJASDLKJGADSKV;LASDKFL;SDAKGJL;ASKDJF
my knees hurt ! i haven’t lifted in what feels like over a month, but i know my quads are begging for attention to help cushion all that impact
i have nona the ninth and i read I Hear the Sunspot and I Hear the Sunspot: Theory of Happiness, but i mistakenly got I Hear the Sunspot: Limit vol 3, thinking that it was the third in the whole overall series, but no it’s the third in the Limit series which is its own thing.
... first boob sweat, ice cream, and centipede of the year !!! as always this a bout of health related issues makes me reevaluate my entire lifestyle. and something so mundane as acid reflux making me feel real actual life-or-death fear (it’s kinda like when you’re on el toro in six flags great adventure but over the course of a few days). anyway, i am chewing my food very thoroughly now, and it’s changing everything ♡ someone was wearing baccarat rouge 540 in front of me during the opening keynote at my work conference, so i listened to how Company wants to maximize profit and lower cost to the fragrant notes of saffron, amber, and cedar
♡ in Moonstruck (1987) starring cher and nic cage, loretta (cher’s character) is sending off johnny cammareri to sicily at jfk, and there’s this old witchy looking woman who’s like “I put a curse on that plane!
... there is a strand of long white hair in my copy of nose dive: a filed guide to the world’s smells by harold mcgee from the queens public library. it’s spread across the first chapter, right after the preface.
finding it hard to take my own advice. if i asked myself for help, i would have all the words and insight and perspective and yet none of those things can grab my face and squish it so i grit my teeth and steel myself and push my body through it, not around, but through
... very excited for hot chocolate ultimately, there’s probably a law out there somewhere about lesbians and exes and the cesspool that is each metropolitan city that has a community. i mean, i know there’s tons of jokes, but c’mon i’m asking for numbers and accuracy here severe lack of creating things lately. WOE IS ME !!!!!!!!!!!!
at least i have puppycat, at least the folks downstairs are gonna bring me tea since i ran out, at least i know the tried and true ways to feel better whenever i get sick anyway, though i did just eat a half packet of flaming hot cheetos, all my phlegm is clear, and i’m on my 6th bob’s burger episode i will watch under the tuscan sun i’m so mature, i’m so mature
my Mirror dvd copy is many days overdue, i have Bound and On The Beach at Night Alone copies are waiting for me. i still haven’t read the 3 volumes of Blue Period that i borrowed either.
but you know what i have read? Under Grand Hotel, baby B~)
anyway. pass the yaoi cocaine !!! valentina from white lotus s2e6 you are just like me frrrrrrrrr now tell me why i’m worried that mastodon is gonna get yucked up just like how twitter has been for ages now
objectively, it’s a baseless fear and a big part of my dissatisfaction with twitter how i was engaging with it. like, fandom twitter has been absolutely great and same twitters for specific interests. i think it started feeling absolutely yucked up when it became an ego thing or a comedian thing.
... i don’t think it’ll ever get more predictable, i feel like there will be more random days in december with 70deg weather, i feel like the hurricane names are gonna start sounding like the 5th grade roster in the fall, i think spring will feel wetter and more elusive, and babygirl, i think summer is going to become depressing and disorienting in ways we couldn’t previously imagine
the hopes and dreams and ~ intentions ~ i have for each upcoming season are beginning to feel stale.
... see this is what happens when you let peach dot cool die i absolutely cannot believe that aidan RE-DID CARRIE’S WOOD FLOORS and she cheated on him HER WOOD FLOORS !!! collective, joyous, unfiltered laughter??? in my apartment??? more likely than you think !!! what a gift it is to have the perfectly sized plate for what i want to eat, the perfectly sized bowl for a little yogurt and fruit i want to snack on, the perfectly sized and shaped wooden spoon to dig into a bowl of hot rice with fresh scallions that will catch the running egg yolk perfectly for each bite, the same tea but in a different mug like yes that’s the drink-something-warm-all-day-doesn’t-matter-if-it’s-diluted-hot-water-at-this-point mug vs.
... i brought back a pencil case from my old childhood closet and i found all the mechanical pencils from over ten years ago with which i used to take standardized tests, pass exams, write notes, letters, and homework due, draw so much anime, and lend borrow, lend borrow, lend again borrow again one more fucking app to download just to access my health records or to get an email from a doctor who’s just like ‘k see you soon’ but i gotta jump over ten thousand fire hoops like truly just kys this shit is evil !!! the sun is very much not up when i wake up now, but !!! i could see venus toward the south peeking above the two story family houses, orion directly above (being sure to not step on shit while i crane my neck up) with aldebaran being all orange and bright right beside it
eventually the temperatures will drop and the dew point will continue to get lower and lower and i will wear thermals under my sweatpants and waterproof shoes and my big winter jacket but i’ll also probably see even more stars and constellations and various phases of the moon
... kinda treating bugs like how immature parents treat their kids all like ‘i’m physically repulsed by you and fear you and to an extent, am fascinated by you, and i will force exposure between us again and again until i get used to you’ ok let’s talk about it – i’ve seen a total of 3 centipedes in my apartment so far. the first two were kinda jumpscares (for all parties involved probably) and i did sleep in the living room that night (because that was going to do something about my heart beating so fast and a generally stressful week).
the third and most recent was tonight, not even 5 minutes ago after i came home from dropping dinner off for a friend.
... biking south over a bridge during sunrise ! goodbye to summer on this sunday ! every once in a while i’ll think about that tumblr post that’s like if your parents make 100k+ i don’t wanna see your art went to hit by the bball courts a few days ago and saw this lil guy by the metal fence where i set my backpack down
my immediate reaction was to get it to pop over on my index finger but i was like ok wait, lemme check who you are first. i uploaded the second pic to iNaturalist and started hitting the wall1.
i got an ID, like, 43 minutes later and it turns out it’s a blue-eyed ensign wasp.
... What if I started writing in full and complete sentences? here’s what happens on the best day ever:
i wake up at 4:30, stretch, open the windows. it’s fucking dark. that’s fine say hi to puppycat, give him a little stretch go on my phone, scroll anime twitter, scroll tumblr, peep any DMs from ln PRE-WORKOUT 5:00-6:00 gym, it’s upper body day >:) 6:05 bike to the tennis courts, practice serves for like a half hour. maybe play pick up if there are people around 7:00, feed puppycat, finish owyn vanilla protein drink, shower 7:30ish - go to the diner, get the scrambled eggs, turkey sausage, home fries, rye bread with butter, NO COFFEE 8:30, pay, leave, stand on that trigger point ball, look at email, answer time sensitive texts pick up things that aren’t in their place and put them away.
... fuck it !!! going to buy mangoes 🥭 life is continuing, continuing i’m nearly half way through kokou no hito and i was inspired to read this manga because
when i went to south florida earlier this spring, i was waiting for a friend to come back from the restroom at a barnes and noble we ducked into on my last evening there. i was flipping through the few big coffee table type books that were showcased, thick, hardcover, glossy pages. i started with architecture ones but then saw one about a photographer who followed a few mountain climbers as they scaled up k2.
... here’s how you make breakfast tomatoes:
small, sweet tomatoes. can be those that are off the vine, cherry, grape, campari, whichever. but you should be able to hold only, like, two comfortably in one hand, and they should be sweet olive oil salt pepper white wine vinegar instructions:
first wash the tomatoes in a medium size bowl use a knife to cut them in half or quarters depending on the size of the tomatoes and your preference after they’re rinsed and cut, a pinch of salt over the tomatoes in that same bowl.
... maybe i’ll just fucking eat the fruit flies, huh, how about that i’m still thinking about this unbelievable chicken
i will say, it’s tough as fuck, super lemon-y, and definitely cooked B~) i just made the most unbelievable chicken
bro, this is the kind of cooked meat that belongs on a fried meme. it’s almost fully pale barely yellowish and golden from the light frying i did and mostly helped by the butter (shouts to butter)
forcing myself to do something i don’t want to while i’m so angry or sad is also delightfully funny because. like. what, is this raw chicken going to kill me ?
... puppycat loves to sleep on his litter mat (which is actually a bathmat i bought for $15 at target because it’s washable and effective as opposed to other litter mats which are actual garbage) and it bothers me so much bc yuck !! that’s where all your pee and poop particles are :( stop dorulu-ing in it ndngndkgndgn
but i get it tbh it’s the only comfy place in this room where i work and he wants to just hang out <3 stupid ass….
... i need to be playing catch with a baseball and glove rn undid months of distance from garbage accounts that stressed me out, enabled unbecoming behavior, and generally were empty, hollow, pits of tired ass echos by logging into all of them and catching up at lightning speed within the span of 40 mins and took, like, 10000000 pts of psychic damage 😎😎😎 i miss the modells by ditmars !!! wearing evangelion merch as a protective shield against skeptical christians in the area GOD’S IN HIS HEAVEN. ALL’S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. wondering what the difference is between the punisher symbol with the american flag and then the regular one. both kinda suck, i think i’m on the dsny scheduled pick up site every week, juuuuust to be sure i miss dancing !
... john coltrane’s lush life is playing on 89.9 fm (ok fine, wkcr) right now
my windows are open and it’s cooler today and also a lil breezy so the sheer curtains are billowing gently. these windows are east facing (mostly) so when the sun sets it feels like a surprise every time because it’s so quick
ugh, i still can’t believe i lost to my opponent today (both of us ~3.
... bro how are they making two movies but no s5 :~(
bye-kyuu fr ALL ! I DO ! EVERY SINGLE DAY ! IS BREAK DOWN CARDBOARD !!! bro i am becoming so increasingly worried about playing this 4.5 lv player today that ln i had a dream that i was doing everything in my power to avoid this match which is insane bc, damn, am i really that afraid to lose? and also, damn, why am i so convinced that i’m going to lose in the first place???
anyway the dream also was about this rando girl from middle school who had a similar name to the 4.
... finished reading the left hand of darkness last night, and i’m inconsolable