I feel crazy.
I went to the Aritzia in SoHo today because they had a few of the slouch wool coats I’ve been looking at and it was absolutely brimming, packed, with girlies of all kinds. I went all the way there and pretty much immediately turned back. Part of it was just feeling overwhelmed by the crowd, and a part of it was simply not wanting to looking like every other bitch in there.
...Okay I had this whole thought I’ve been re-writing over and over about how I can no longer just feel disgust, or second-hand embarrassment, or like I’m being judgy but there’s a chain of awareness that those feelings come from my own insecurities and lack of empathy or curiosity in that moment followed by some guilt/shame, then a lighthearted acceptance that my brain is changing.
But also I just realized that I still have absolutely no tolerance for people who are like ‘I like girls, but I’m just so intimidated by them.’ So! One day I’ll be chill about that but for now, all I can think is cowards! That screenshot from SATC that’s like ‘Sweetheart, that’s all well and nice, but if you’re not going to eat pussy, then you’re not a dyke.’
I woke up Sunday morning a mix between feeling annoyed that I had so much to do that day and excited to see people and be outside.
On my way to get coffee with Kelly C. at Lately Cafe, I saw parts of the NYC Marathon, Court St lined off with pink tape for runners and participants. Talking to Kelly, I felt like my cup was filling. I shared some of the things that feel so scary to me right now and she shared her fears. A lot of them are the same ones. And for the ones that are not the same, I felt less alone and helpless. Sitting in the courtyard behind the cafe, hearing the whoops and claps for the runners out on the street, drinking my americano, feeling grateful.
...L foot circumference: 20.8cm R foot circumference: 21.5cm
Okay yeah looks like my left foot shrunk haha no ! okay? I just make sure whatever my benchmark is this time is consistent for both feet so the difference between them is significant. And it’s not looking that significant. :(
It hurts less to walk around and stretch my toe though. I recently read about the POLICE protocol vs the RICE protocol.
L foot circumference: 21.9cm R foot circumference: 22.5cm
I figured now is a good a time as any to see how long it will take my right turf toe ass injury to at least chillllllllllllllll
It’s crazy how people give you right of way immediately when you’re using crutches or a cane. The back of my right armpit hurts from the crutch, I didn’t realize that would happen.
I sleep so much now during the day, just little afternoon cat naps with my foot elevated on my three pillows and a plastic sandwich bag full of re-melted ice cubes leaning against it. Lots of fun dreams though.
...I can’t stop thinking about this book.
I loved the balls to the wall body horror. The hundreds of little teeth in Erin’s tongue, the insane way that this disease spreads, the increasingly dreaded feeling that nothing you or anyone does will change anything. I loved reading about Erin and Betty, their insane toxic yuri ass relationship. Even toward the end when they were transformed and having crazy angel sex through Mareva’s eyes, I felt endeared.
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